Unrequited Love

Nearing the end of the year now and quite frankly, I think I have not achieved anything significant. Although there is one important lesson I learned this year about myself and about love.

So I fell in love earlier this year. It was actually nothing, it began when I was looking for a new friend in one chat app I found on Play Store, and we really did become friends. Quite close too, I may say. It's just that because it's a stranger that you're almost certain will never meet in short time, and who doesn't really know you, they tend to be less judgmental about you and you feel like you can tell them anything. So I did. I told him everything, we talked everyday, from mundane things like the weather to the important things like GPA (this is important right?) and family. He was an excellent listener and responder; I always feel better after telling him my stories. Also maybe we flirted a little, but it was just teasing.

As days went by, slowly but surely, he started to fill my mind every time, I could not stop thinking about him; I started to have that kind of anxiety where you check your phone constantly for his message and so on. Long story short, I may have fallen in love with him by then, in a sense that I started to feel giddy when thinking about him, that his voice and message makes me so happy, keeping his picture, and the love songs started to actually make sense. I, for once in my life, have never fell in love harder than that. And it's driving me crazy, because to be honest, what could I possibly do? It's like falling in love with completely fictional character but worse, because the fictional character was, well, fictional, while this is a real-life person that I can actually meet if I fly 9,500 miles away from where I was. The fact that there was a slight chance that we could be together is killing me.

But of course, it's not that simple. The love was simple; it was easy, unconscious, unintended, and natural. The implications of that love were what makes it difficult. There were differences, barriers, that kept my love at bay. And what was exactly the purpose of this love? To unite us together? Was this love strong enough to actually overcome those obstacles? I wouldn't lie, that would be the most wonderful thing if it actually happens, but it was very, very unlikely. I had gone thinking about the possibilities of our future and how we might cross paths in the future, in person, and fall in love properly, and move in together and get married and have babies, but then I forgot the most important question, does he want this too? What does he actually feel about me, does he feel the same or not? I know it might sound stupid because all the things I imagined would have to involve both persons, so I decided to find out.

I plucked up the courage to actually ask him about this. Not in a brutally honest way, as I thought would be uncomfortable to talk about, but carefully slipping it into one of our everyday conversations. It worked. Kinda. And the answer was actually what I had suspected, he didn't feel the same way about me. He simply didn't see us as a couple, but as very great friends who sometimes fool around. Ouch.

Of course I didn't tell him about how I feel. So we stayed friends after that. Only the frequency of our conversations had declined, but this has happened since before I popped the question so I highly doubt that's the cause. I think he may simply be bored with me, just like getting bored of your old friends. We've known too much about each other already, sometimes we ran out about things to talk about. And it was getting old actually, it's been a couple of months of constantly, daily talking about (mainly) unimportant things, so he must have gotten bored or tired of me. And for me, dealing with this situation was very new and I actually got quite depressed over unrequited love for a couple of weeks. There were even times when I would just randomly cry, not minding the people around me. That was literally the worst depression I have ever had my entire life. Maybe I should refer to it as 'The Great Depression' to make it all more dramatic. But seriously, it was that bad.

Took me a couple of months to compose myself and get back to my feet again. I finally moved on. Or so I thought. It's just that I have loved him so deeply, it felt impossible for him to not love me back. Like it's impossible for Mercury to not feel the warmth of the sun. He was Mercury and I was the Sun, that's how I imagined it. But after some deep thinking, I decided maybe he was Pluto, freezing cold in the darkness, so far from the Sun, only staying in its place merely because of the weak gravitational force from the faraway tiny dot of light. However great and warm the Sun's love was, it meant nothing to Pluto.

During the course of our friendship/pseudo-relationship, I have learnt that I am capable of a very great love. The love I felt for him was incomprehensible, not making any sense, yet it was there so unfathomably vast and ruled over my heart. There was nothing I wouldn't do to make him feel the same way, but the fact was, the was nothing I could do that was still within borderline of sanity. I also learnt that rejection of love is very very painful, however civilized it was done. The fact that such great a feeling does not reciprocate was mind boggling to my brain. But that's reality, we can't all be winners, as he once said. So maybe I should just try to cope with the truth that he was one of the things in life that I cannot win. But I should not lose hope, because maybe, there is someone out there who has a love even greater than my sun-love and is willing to share it with me, and I desperately hope that I am able to receive his love with an open arm and with all my heart. Who knows he's probably just around the corner. Who knows.

Surat Untuk Siapa?

Jadi belakangan ini aku memulai sebuah proyek, apa itu? Menulis surat. Kedengarannya biasa ya. Tapi untuk siapa? Hayo ada yang bisa tebak gak? Untuk suamiku. Oke, ini mulai terdengar aneh.

Jadi tujuan menulis surat ini adalah bercerita tentang pengalaman menarik sehari-hari yang nantinya akan 'worth' untuk diceritakan ke suami kalo udah punya. Kalo lagi bosen gak ada bahan obrolan, buka aja suratnya. Dan di tiap surat aku tulis kolom 'Read: ... ' untuk tau tanggal dibacanya kapan, dan tentu saja ada tanggal penulisan suratnya. Hahaha, semoga saja ini ide yang bagus. Sejauh ini udah 4 surat yang kutulis. Seru banget lho, entah kenapa, ada sensasi tersendiri saat menulis surat untuk seseorang yang bahkan kita belum tau siapa. Mungkin ini aneh, tapi seru. Mungkin anda-anda ada yang ingin mencoba juga? Bisa kita lihat hasilnya kira-kira 4-5 tahun ke depan (atau lebih cepat :p). Hahaha.

PS. Jadi penasaran, siapa ya yang bakal baca surat-suratku itu? Hus, gak usah pikirin itu dulu, bikin laporan biokim aja dulu sana.

Cinta yang Tersasar pt. 2

Segera istighfar sebelum semua kekal,
segera sudahi sebelum tertinggal sesal,
karena nafsu itu membutakan akal.
-Felix Siauw

Mari luruskan lagi niat dan bersihkan hati. Tak perlulah mengharap hal macam-macam, karena sungguh, pengharapan hanyalah pada Allah saja, karena Ialah yang tau apa yang terbaik buat kita, dan kepada-Nya jualah kita akan kembali. Tak usahlah mendoa jodoh seseorang yang spesifik. Apa yang kita pikir baik buat kita, belum tentu pula baik, dan apa yang kita sangka buruk untuk kita, belum tentu juga buruk, sungguh Allahlah yang Mahatahu, mohonkan pada-Nya agar mendapat yang terbaik sesuai pilihan-Nya.

Mari tuntun kembali cinta yang tersasar ke jalan cinta ilahi.

Cinta yang Tersasar

Telah lama cinta terbiar, dari cinta yang suci,
Telah lama cinta tersasar, dari cinta hakiki.
-Raihan, Cinta Hakiki

Ah, begitu rumitnya bila membicarakan cinta. Ada orang yang dengan begitu mudahnya jatuh cinta pada seseorang, namun ada pula orang yang sulit untuk mencintai. Ada yang membatasi definisi cinta sebagai cinta dengan lawan jenis, namun ada juga yang lingkup cintanya luas, menyelimuti seluruh alam semesta. Satu hal yang sering menimpa kita umat manusia adalah kita seringkali salah dalam memutuskan apa yang ingin kita cintai.

Memang cinta tidak bisa dipaksakan, terkadang ia muncul tanpa diundang, dan akan sangat sulit untuk memaksanya menghilang. Yang bisa kita lakukan untuk membersihkan hati dari cinta yang salah adalah dengan mendekatkan diri kepada Allah dan berusaha mencintai Allah. Cinta itu memang tidak bisa dipaksakan, tapi ia bisa diusahakan. Meminjam kata-kata Salim A. Fillah, cinta adalah kata kerja. Kadang memang diperlukan usaha untuk bisa mencintai sesuatu. Perlu usaha yang keras untuk bisa bangun malam dan bermunajat pada Allah. Butuh usaha luar biasa untuk merelakan harta kita dikeluarkan untuk zakat dan infaq. Perlu usaha yang tidak ringan dalam menahan lapar dan haus saat berpuasa. Pun usaha keras juga harus diberikan dalam menghindarkan diri dari hal-hal yang dibenci Allah, seperti berbagai kegiatan maksiat yang hakikatnya hanyalah pemuas nafsu belaka. Usaha juga diperlukan dalam membatasi diri agar tidak berlebihan dalam hal-hal  yang mubah.

Setelah usaha kita lakukan, pasrahkan semuanya pada Allah sahaja. Ialah yang menggenggam hati kita, dan sungguh, Allah telah memisahkan antara kita dan hati kita. Mohonlah pada-Nya agar dikaruniakan cinta kepada-Nya, setelah usaha-usaha mencintai itu kita lakukan. Mohon pada-Nya agar cinta-cinta kita yang telah tersasar kembali menemukan jalannya menuju surga.

Sedikit kutipan kesukaan saya tentang cinta kepada ummat yang diambil dari perkatan Ust. Rahmat Abdullah, Allahuyarham.

“Dakwah adalah cinta dan cinta akan meminta segalanya darimu. Sampai pikiranmu. Sampai perhatianmu. Berjalan, duduk dan tidurmu. Bahkan lelapmu, isi mimpimu pun tentang dakwah. Tentang umat yang kau cintai. Dakwah bukannya tidak melelahkan. Bukannya tidak membosankan. Dakwah bukannya tidak menyakitkan. Bahkan juga para pejuang risalah bukannya sepi dari godaan kefuturan. Justru karena semua inilah akhirnya menjadi adaptasi bagi iman yang luhur. Teruslah bergerak hingga kefuturan itu lelah mengikutimu. Teruslah berlari hingga kebosanan itu bosan mengejarmu. Teruslah berjalan hingga keletihan itu letih bersamamu. Teruslah bertahan hingga kefuturan itu futur menyertaimu. Tetaplah berjaga hingga kelesuan itu lesu menemanimu.”

Yogyakarta, Indonesia
15 April 2014, 22:22
H-1 responsi parasitologi blok 2.5

Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana

dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan

kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana

dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan

awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada.

-Sapardi Djoko Damono

Ini puisi favoritku sepanjang masa :')