Unrequited Love

Nearing the end of the year now and quite frankly, I think I have not achieved anything significant. Although there is one important lesson I learned this year about myself and about love.

So I fell in love earlier this year. It was actually nothing, it began when I was looking for a new friend in one chat app I found on Play Store, and we really did become friends. Quite close too, I may say. It's just that because it's a stranger that you're almost certain will never meet in short time, and who doesn't really know you, they tend to be less judgmental about you and you feel like you can tell them anything. So I did. I told him everything, we talked everyday, from mundane things like the weather to the important things like GPA (this is important right?) and family. He was an excellent listener and responder; I always feel better after telling him my stories. Also maybe we flirted a little, but it was just teasing.

As days went by, slowly but surely, he started to fill my mind every time, I could not stop thinking about him; I started to have that kind of anxiety where you check your phone constantly for his message and so on. Long story short, I may have fallen in love with him by then, in a sense that I started to feel giddy when thinking about him, that his voice and message makes me so happy, keeping his picture, and the love songs started to actually make sense. I, for once in my life, have never fell in love harder than that. And it's driving me crazy, because to be honest, what could I possibly do? It's like falling in love with completely fictional character but worse, because the fictional character was, well, fictional, while this is a real-life person that I can actually meet if I fly 9,500 miles away from where I was. The fact that there was a slight chance that we could be together is killing me.

But of course, it's not that simple. The love was simple; it was easy, unconscious, unintended, and natural. The implications of that love were what makes it difficult. There were differences, barriers, that kept my love at bay. And what was exactly the purpose of this love? To unite us together? Was this love strong enough to actually overcome those obstacles? I wouldn't lie, that would be the most wonderful thing if it actually happens, but it was very, very unlikely. I had gone thinking about the possibilities of our future and how we might cross paths in the future, in person, and fall in love properly, and move in together and get married and have babies, but then I forgot the most important question, does he want this too? What does he actually feel about me, does he feel the same or not? I know it might sound stupid because all the things I imagined would have to involve both persons, so I decided to find out.

I plucked up the courage to actually ask him about this. Not in a brutally honest way, as I thought would be uncomfortable to talk about, but carefully slipping it into one of our everyday conversations. It worked. Kinda. And the answer was actually what I had suspected, he didn't feel the same way about me. He simply didn't see us as a couple, but as very great friends who sometimes fool around. Ouch.

Of course I didn't tell him about how I feel. So we stayed friends after that. Only the frequency of our conversations had declined, but this has happened since before I popped the question so I highly doubt that's the cause. I think he may simply be bored with me, just like getting bored of your old friends. We've known too much about each other already, sometimes we ran out about things to talk about. And it was getting old actually, it's been a couple of months of constantly, daily talking about (mainly) unimportant things, so he must have gotten bored or tired of me. And for me, dealing with this situation was very new and I actually got quite depressed over unrequited love for a couple of weeks. There were even times when I would just randomly cry, not minding the people around me. That was literally the worst depression I have ever had my entire life. Maybe I should refer to it as 'The Great Depression' to make it all more dramatic. But seriously, it was that bad.

Took me a couple of months to compose myself and get back to my feet again. I finally moved on. Or so I thought. It's just that I have loved him so deeply, it felt impossible for him to not love me back. Like it's impossible for Mercury to not feel the warmth of the sun. He was Mercury and I was the Sun, that's how I imagined it. But after some deep thinking, I decided maybe he was Pluto, freezing cold in the darkness, so far from the Sun, only staying in its place merely because of the weak gravitational force from the faraway tiny dot of light. However great and warm the Sun's love was, it meant nothing to Pluto.

During the course of our friendship/pseudo-relationship, I have learnt that I am capable of a very great love. The love I felt for him was incomprehensible, not making any sense, yet it was there so unfathomably vast and ruled over my heart. There was nothing I wouldn't do to make him feel the same way, but the fact was, the was nothing I could do that was still within borderline of sanity. I also learnt that rejection of love is very very painful, however civilized it was done. The fact that such great a feeling does not reciprocate was mind boggling to my brain. But that's reality, we can't all be winners, as he once said. So maybe I should just try to cope with the truth that he was one of the things in life that I cannot win. But I should not lose hope, because maybe, there is someone out there who has a love even greater than my sun-love and is willing to share it with me, and I desperately hope that I am able to receive his love with an open arm and with all my heart. Who knows he's probably just around the corner. Who knows.

Quick Catch Up (No Ketchup Inside) *pun intended*

Bismillah.

Well hello there! It's been a whole year since I last posted in this blog. Phew, time sure flies, eh? So maybe quick updates on what have been happening in my life? Ok, let's begin this super quick one year review.

• I have finished my third year in medical school, alhamdulillah, and will be starting my next and last semester *hopefully* (in pre-clinical phase) in 24 August, which is just a little over a month from now.
• About the biochemistry teaching assistant recruitment, well I got in, alhamdulillah. Been a year now, quite a good one, and we had even finished the selection process for the new assistants! Results coming out soon, so keep your fingers crossed :)
• We've moved into a new house, alhamdulillah, Baitul Quds has been relocated to a better place, and with added personnel too (because the house is sooooo big)! While there were only 6 of us, we are now 11 in total. We welcome our new family members: Nikalem, Hilda, Vita, Ami, and Tyani. But sadly, Nikari now no longer live with us cause she is now in PPSDMS dormitory (good for her, not really for us) but she still comes by often so that's good :)
• That write-a-letter-to-your-husband project I started has been..well..put off for a while. I've already written around 11 or 12 letters and haven't continued for a couple of months because of...things.. I might start writing again actually, so no worries! :D (who's worrying anyway?)
• Okay so this one's rather big: I have finished the research for my thesis, my proposal is 95% and my colloquium is scheduled on early August, so I actually got something big coming up!!!
• A while ago, Cindy, Deby and I made a literature review on a substance that has the potential to be a new diabetes drug....something like that. We intended to enter this paper for INAMSC paper competition but sadly we didn't pass the selection :( But then we entered the abstract for a conference and it's been accepted. More updates on this when it's fixed :)
• My library jut got bigger; I have been buying more books in little time than I had done for quite long. Well not that much actually, and some I bought really impulsively. I think I am that type of girl not to be trusted with a credit card at the bookshop ;) One of the books I bought recently was 'All I Know Now' by Carrie Hope Fletcher, so excited!!!
• What else? Hmm nothing much happened I guess. Well I did get the opportunity to visit some countries during the last two years, those are Malaysia, Turkey (not really!) and Egypt which stories deserve an independent post! So yeah I'll get to them later. Soon. Promise.

Owkay, I think that's quite enough for now. Should there be anything else left I'll post an update. Right. So, wish me luck!! :D

The Brother

Kita tidak pernah bisa memilih di mana kita dilahirkan, siapa orang tua kita, dan sesiapa saja yang singgah dalam kehidupan kita. Namun kini aku ingin sedikit bercerita tentang seseorang yang telah mengenalku seumur hidupnya, dari sejak aku belum ada di muka bumi ini.

Well, some of may have known his name, it's Muhammad Azzam. Tapi aku memanggilnya kakak. Jujur, dia merupakan salah satu orang paling berpengaruh dalam hidupku. Sejak kecil sampai SMP, kami bersekolah di sekolah yang sama (kecuali waktu TK). Secara umur kami berselisih 2 tahun, tapi secara akademik hanya 1, jadi lingkungan pergaulan kami masih lumayan dekat. Sejak kecil, kami banyak melakukan hal-hal bersama-sama. Acara tontonan teve kami sama. Ketertarikan kami sama-sama di bidang sains. Bahkan sampai pandangan politik kami pun hampir sama, cuma dia agak sedikit lebih ekstrem dari saya. (maap ya kak ._.v)

Waktu masih sekolah dulu, waktu SD, kami selalu pulang bersama-sama, naik angkot dan ojek. Lalu melakukan rutinitas yang sama: mandi, salat ashar, nonton teve sambil makan sore (karena sekolah kami full day school, kami baru sampai rumah pukul 3 sore) sampai waktu maghrib datang. Lalu kami salat maghrib berjamaah, biasanya sama Abi kalau Abi sudah pulang kerja. Lalu kami tilawah. Waktu SD dulu, "kewajiban" tilawah harian kami ditentukan kami kelas berapa: waktu kelas 3 ya 3 halaman, kelas 4 ya 4 halaman, dan seterusnya. Biasanya setelah itu kami menyempatkan nonton teve (sebisa mungkin gak ketahuan Abi Ummi, hehe) tapi cuma sebentar karena kami harus mengerjakan PR. Setelah mengerjakan PR kami salat Isya dan tidur pukul 20.00. Hampir setiap hari rutinitas itu kami jalani. Lalu pada Jumat dan Sabtu malam, kami mendapat kompensasi untuk tidur pukul 22.00 karena biasanya ada film action seru di Trans TV. Hari Sabtu rutinitas tak tentu, dan hari Minggu, kami main game Harvest Moon di Playstation 1 dari pukul 9.00 - 15.00. Selalu begitu setiap minggu. Dan harus kuakui, game Harvest Moon yang paling menyenangkan memang yang di PS 1, yang di PS 2 dan 3 mengecewakan -..-

Saat SMP dulu, kami sama-sama bersekolah di SMPIT Al-Kahfi Islamic Boarding School. Semacam pesantren, tapi pakai kurikulum dari Diknas, bukan Depag. Jadi ini SMP, bukan MTs. Karena kakakku ikhwan, aku tidak bisa bertemu dengannya setiap hari. Namun karena dia memang 'ahli' komputer dari kecil, dia jadi asisten Pak Kiki di laboratorium komputer, dan aku mengikuti jejaknya di tahun-tahun berikutnya. Pada masa SMP inilah kami mulai bertemu dengan pelajaran Biologi, Fisika, dan Kimia. Fisika selalu menjadi fokus utama kakakku dulu. Karena aku memang anak yang 'ikut-ikutan', aku juga 'menganggap' kalau aku suka Fisika. Jadi aku mulai menanamkan kecintaanku pada pelajaran itu. Apalagi gurunya Pak Ilyas sama Pak Nunu, makin deh (makin apa? :p). Yaa pokoknya aku berhasil 'memaksakan' dalam pikiran bahwa aku suka Fisika, sampai akhirnya benar-benar suka. Gak sesuka itu sih, cuma sering jadi 'amazed' aja sama ilmu tersebut, khususnya Fisika Teori yang banyak membahas masalah-masalah filosofis seperti bagaiman alam semesta tercipta, bagaimana ia akan berakhir, apakah kita satu-satunya makhluk hidup, apa yang terjadi kalau atom dibelah, dan lain-lain. Tapi ternyata kakakku gak begitu tertarik dalam membahas masalah-masalah teoretis seperti ini, dia lebih suka hal-hal yang mekanis. Dasar lelaki (?)

Selain dari aspek sekolah, kakakku juga banyak mempengaruhiku dari aspek acara TV. Dulu aku bahkan sama sekali nggak tertarik untuk nonton Top Gear, tapi karena "terpaksa" ikutan nonton pas dia nonton, Top Gear jadi salah satu acara TV favoritku. Selain membahas dunia otomotif, pembawa acaranya humoris banget; Jeremy Clarkson si gorila, Kapten Lambat James May, dan Richard Hammond si pendek (relatif terhadap Jeremy, haha). Dan ternyata masing-masing mereka punya acara TV sendiri, favoritku James May's Man Lab. Dari kakakku pulalah aku belajar mendownload segala macam lewat torrent, dan sekarang aku sudah 'mendakwahkan' penggunaan torrent ke beberapa temanku, meskipun speedy mulai mem-blok thepiratebay, sedih :" (tapi untung masih ada proxy).

Sudah ah, intinya aku bersyukur banget punya dia sebagai kakakku. Meskipun di berbagai aspek dia gak bisa dijadikan teladan (haha maap ya kak), tapi I wouldn't ask for a better big brother than him.

Birmingham

Birmingham, dapat dicapai dengan dua jam kereta dari London ke arah barat laut. Kota multikultural yang begitu apik, di mana satu kepingan masa kecilku tersimpan di sana selamanya. Masa-masa paling bahagia dalam hidupku, so far. Setiap mendengar nama kota itu disebut, aku secara refleks akan menoleh dan mencari sumber suara itu. Bukan tidak mungkin suara itu bermaksud menyebutkan Birmingham, ibukota Alabama, salah satu negara bagian di Amerika Serikat. Tapi itu bukan Birminghamku, karena Birminghamku ada di tanah Albion.

Segala hal yang aku lakukan atau segala benda yang aku miliki yang bercirikan Inggris, merupakan upayaku untuk mengenang kembali masa-masa indah tersebut. Masa di mana hidupku terasa begitu sempurna. Ada Abi, Umi, Kakak, dan Imah yang menemaniku (meskipun keberadaan Hamzah dan Ibad juga merupakan kesempurnaan tersendiri). Masa di mana yang kukhawatirkan hanyalah jariku yang berdarah akibat bermain-main dengan 'kunci' pada kaleng makanan yang berfungsi sebagai pembuka kaleng. Aku ingat sekali saat itu jariku berdarah karena teriris tajamnya tepi kaleng, lalu aku mengadu pada Umi, dan Umi menjawab bahwa semua kesusahan yang kita alami di dunia adalah ujian dari Allah. Dan saat itu aku berpikir bahwa Allah sedang mengujiku dengan membuat jariku terluka.

Masa yang begitu indah di mana kami sering berjalan kaki. Berangkat sekolah diantar Abi, pulang sekolah dijemput Umi. Lalu kami mampir ke perpustakaan kota, dan membaca buku Avocado Baby, juga mampir ke supermarket kecil di samping rel kereta untuk membeli pelembab bibir karena bibir keringku akibat dinginnya cuaca sehari-hari di sana. Makan kebab dan fish and chips dari toko sebelah rumah yang penjualnya orang Pakistan. Rasa kebab di sana beda sama kebab di sini, entah bagaimana. Makan biskuit Star Wars, permen karet dari mesin permen karet koin di dekat rumah, nempel-nempel di heater karena kedinginan, shalat di atas kasur, hahaha.. Rasa-rasanya, bilah disuruh memilih masa-masa paling bahagia dalam hidupku, aku tidak perlu mencari lagi.

Kenangan tentang Birmingham ini cukup membekas dalam diriku. Aku berharap bisa kembali lagi ke sana suatu hari nanti, sekadar mengenang dan menelusuri jejak masa lalu, atau bahkan mungkin membangun keluarga baru di sana. Namun yang pasti, akan selalu ada ruang untuk kota multikultural itu di hatiku.