Unrequited Love

Nearing the end of the year now and quite frankly, I think I have not achieved anything significant. Although there is one important lesson I learned this year about myself and about love.

So I fell in love earlier this year. It was actually nothing, it began when I was looking for a new friend in one chat app I found on Play Store, and we really did become friends. Quite close too, I may say. It's just that because it's a stranger that you're almost certain will never meet in short time, and who doesn't really know you, they tend to be less judgmental about you and you feel like you can tell them anything. So I did. I told him everything, we talked everyday, from mundane things like the weather to the important things like GPA (this is important right?) and family. He was an excellent listener and responder; I always feel better after telling him my stories. Also maybe we flirted a little, but it was just teasing.

As days went by, slowly but surely, he started to fill my mind every time, I could not stop thinking about him; I started to have that kind of anxiety where you check your phone constantly for his message and so on. Long story short, I may have fallen in love with him by then, in a sense that I started to feel giddy when thinking about him, that his voice and message makes me so happy, keeping his picture, and the love songs started to actually make sense. I, for once in my life, have never fell in love harder than that. And it's driving me crazy, because to be honest, what could I possibly do? It's like falling in love with completely fictional character but worse, because the fictional character was, well, fictional, while this is a real-life person that I can actually meet if I fly 9,500 miles away from where I was. The fact that there was a slight chance that we could be together is killing me.

But of course, it's not that simple. The love was simple; it was easy, unconscious, unintended, and natural. The implications of that love were what makes it difficult. There were differences, barriers, that kept my love at bay. And what was exactly the purpose of this love? To unite us together? Was this love strong enough to actually overcome those obstacles? I wouldn't lie, that would be the most wonderful thing if it actually happens, but it was very, very unlikely. I had gone thinking about the possibilities of our future and how we might cross paths in the future, in person, and fall in love properly, and move in together and get married and have babies, but then I forgot the most important question, does he want this too? What does he actually feel about me, does he feel the same or not? I know it might sound stupid because all the things I imagined would have to involve both persons, so I decided to find out.

I plucked up the courage to actually ask him about this. Not in a brutally honest way, as I thought would be uncomfortable to talk about, but carefully slipping it into one of our everyday conversations. It worked. Kinda. And the answer was actually what I had suspected, he didn't feel the same way about me. He simply didn't see us as a couple, but as very great friends who sometimes fool around. Ouch.

Of course I didn't tell him about how I feel. So we stayed friends after that. Only the frequency of our conversations had declined, but this has happened since before I popped the question so I highly doubt that's the cause. I think he may simply be bored with me, just like getting bored of your old friends. We've known too much about each other already, sometimes we ran out about things to talk about. And it was getting old actually, it's been a couple of months of constantly, daily talking about (mainly) unimportant things, so he must have gotten bored or tired of me. And for me, dealing with this situation was very new and I actually got quite depressed over unrequited love for a couple of weeks. There were even times when I would just randomly cry, not minding the people around me. That was literally the worst depression I have ever had my entire life. Maybe I should refer to it as 'The Great Depression' to make it all more dramatic. But seriously, it was that bad.

Took me a couple of months to compose myself and get back to my feet again. I finally moved on. Or so I thought. It's just that I have loved him so deeply, it felt impossible for him to not love me back. Like it's impossible for Mercury to not feel the warmth of the sun. He was Mercury and I was the Sun, that's how I imagined it. But after some deep thinking, I decided maybe he was Pluto, freezing cold in the darkness, so far from the Sun, only staying in its place merely because of the weak gravitational force from the faraway tiny dot of light. However great and warm the Sun's love was, it meant nothing to Pluto.

During the course of our friendship/pseudo-relationship, I have learnt that I am capable of a very great love. The love I felt for him was incomprehensible, not making any sense, yet it was there so unfathomably vast and ruled over my heart. There was nothing I wouldn't do to make him feel the same way, but the fact was, the was nothing I could do that was still within borderline of sanity. I also learnt that rejection of love is very very painful, however civilized it was done. The fact that such great a feeling does not reciprocate was mind boggling to my brain. But that's reality, we can't all be winners, as he once said. So maybe I should just try to cope with the truth that he was one of the things in life that I cannot win. But I should not lose hope, because maybe, there is someone out there who has a love even greater than my sun-love and is willing to share it with me, and I desperately hope that I am able to receive his love with an open arm and with all my heart. Who knows he's probably just around the corner. Who knows.

Quick Catch Up (No Ketchup Inside) *pun intended*

Bismillah.

Well hello there! It's been a whole year since I last posted in this blog. Phew, time sure flies, eh? So maybe quick updates on what have been happening in my life? Ok, let's begin this super quick one year review.

• I have finished my third year in medical school, alhamdulillah, and will be starting my next and last semester *hopefully* (in pre-clinical phase) in 24 August, which is just a little over a month from now.
• About the biochemistry teaching assistant recruitment, well I got in, alhamdulillah. Been a year now, quite a good one, and we had even finished the selection process for the new assistants! Results coming out soon, so keep your fingers crossed :)
• We've moved into a new house, alhamdulillah, Baitul Quds has been relocated to a better place, and with added personnel too (because the house is sooooo big)! While there were only 6 of us, we are now 11 in total. We welcome our new family members: Nikalem, Hilda, Vita, Ami, and Tyani. But sadly, Nikari now no longer live with us cause she is now in PPSDMS dormitory (good for her, not really for us) but she still comes by often so that's good :)
• That write-a-letter-to-your-husband project I started has been..well..put off for a while. I've already written around 11 or 12 letters and haven't continued for a couple of months because of...things.. I might start writing again actually, so no worries! :D (who's worrying anyway?)
• Okay so this one's rather big: I have finished the research for my thesis, my proposal is 95% and my colloquium is scheduled on early August, so I actually got something big coming up!!!
• A while ago, Cindy, Deby and I made a literature review on a substance that has the potential to be a new diabetes drug....something like that. We intended to enter this paper for INAMSC paper competition but sadly we didn't pass the selection :( But then we entered the abstract for a conference and it's been accepted. More updates on this when it's fixed :)
• My library jut got bigger; I have been buying more books in little time than I had done for quite long. Well not that much actually, and some I bought really impulsively. I think I am that type of girl not to be trusted with a credit card at the bookshop ;) One of the books I bought recently was 'All I Know Now' by Carrie Hope Fletcher, so excited!!!
• What else? Hmm nothing much happened I guess. Well I did get the opportunity to visit some countries during the last two years, those are Malaysia, Turkey (not really!) and Egypt which stories deserve an independent post! So yeah I'll get to them later. Soon. Promise.

Owkay, I think that's quite enough for now. Should there be anything else left I'll post an update. Right. So, wish me luck!! :D

Jangan Marah

Dalam hidup mestilah kita sering berinteraksi dengan orang lain, dan tak jarang pula dalam interaksi tersebut kita mengalami masalah yang akhirnya membuat kita kesal dengan orang lain tersebut. Bila menghadapi masalah dengan orang lain, kita cenderung menempatkan diri kita pada posisi tak bersalah, dan akhirnya kita kesal dengan orang lain tersebut. Padahal bisa jadi sebenarnya letak masalah ada pada diri kita. Kita yang tidak mengerjakan tugas tepat waktu, tidak profesional, tidak berkomunikasi dengan baik, hal-hal seperti ini dapat mencederai hubungan baik kita dengan rekan sejawat atau teman kita. Bila hal ini terjadi, bila kita merasa kesal dengan orang lain, yang pertama perlu kita pikirkan bukanlah mengapa orang tersebut selalu membuat kita jengkel, tetapi apa yang sudah kita lakukan sampai orang tersebut menjadi jengkel. Benarkah perbuatan saya? Pantaskah orang tersebut kesal dengan saya? Most of the time, the answer would be yes. Bila itu kasusnya, segeralah berlapang dada, memperbaiki kesalahan, dan meminta maaf kepada orang tersebut. Pun bila jawabannya No, lapangkanlah dada dan coba bina komunikasi dengan baik untuk memecahkan masalah. Jangan lupa untuk selalu menjaga kepala tetap dingin. Ingat sabda nabi, "Jangan marah, maka bagimu surga."

:)

Bayi dan Ketek

Jadi hari ini gue ada skills lab abdominal examination (reschedule dari week 2 nih), nah kita pake ruang cardiovascular di lantai 3 Grha Wiyata. Di dalam ruangan itu, banyak perlengkapan buat latihan BLS, (kayaknya sih emang tempat nyimpennya), dan ada 3 ranjang pemeriksaan. Di beberapa ranjang, ada 2 manekin anak laki-laki yang mungkin versi manusianya berusia 5 tahun, dan sebuah manekin anak bayi.

Entah mengapa, hari ini gue merasa insting keibuan gue sangat tinggi. Pas ngeliat manekin itu, langsung gue gendong dengan penuh kasih sayang layaknya menggendong bayi beneran. Pokoknya gue sayang-sayang banget tuh manekin. Dan setelah menggendong-gendong manekin itu kemana-mana, gue merasa perlu segera punya anak #lho. Kata Paulina sih gue terlihat seperti orang stress, haha tapi gak papalah. Beberapa saat setelah menggendong manekin, dr. Suryadi masuk dan gue taro dulu anak gue itu di ranjang pemeriksaan tadi untuk fokus ke latihan kita kali ini.

Semua berjalan lancar, yang pertama maju jadi dokter si Agung, dan gue fokus memperhatikan perbuatan Agung supaya nanti bisa ngasih feedback, dan gue gak menyentuh si bayi sama sekali. Habis Agung, yang maju Nashir. Nah pas ini, gue mulai nggendong-gendong si bayi lagi, tapi tetep sambil merhatiin kerjaannya Nashir. Dan waktu pun berjalan.

Habis Nashir, gue yang maju jadi dokter. Dengan berat hati kan gue harus naro si bayi di ranjang lagi, akhirnya gue taro. Nah selanjutnya gue fokus ke pemeriksaan. Setelah selesai dan dimulai sesi feedback, gue mulai nggendong-gendong bayi itu lagi. Sambil duduk tetep gue gendong tuh bayi. Sesi berlanjut sampai selesai, tidak ada masalah.

Setelah skills lab, gue, citra, rendi, yufi, nashir, agung, dan nisa duduk-duduk di bangku batu deket lobby RK, sekalian sarapan. Beberapa ngerjain laporan, beberapa ngobrol sambil makan. Ya biasalah, habis itu ngobrol-ngobrol ngerencaian farewell party kelompok kita. Terus, karena kunci motornya Nashir lagi dipinjem Hafiq dan Nashir perlu balik ke rumah, jadinya Nashir pinjem motornya Rendi. D'oh, gue gak tau kenapa jadi cerita gak jelas ginian, lamgsung to the point aja ya.

Pokoknya settingnya itu gak ada Nashir dan Agung, cuma tinggal Rendi and the girls aja. Terus terjadi suatu percakapan (gue lupa detailnya gimana, seinget gue aja ya)

Gue: "aaaah, bayi gue masih di GW!! Astri, jahat banget lo tadi bayi gue lo tempeleng pas lagi gue gendong, huhu."

Astri: "hahaha, tadi tuh bayi dismack down ama Alvin loh, dan diketekin Udin, hahahaha."

Citra: "Iya ya? hahaha tadi kan si Hasna nyium bayinya lho."

Hasna: "Hah? Beneran? Emang kapan diketekinnya?"

Astri: "Pas kamu maju meriksa tuh tadi.."
Hasna: "yang diketekin apanya?"
Astri: "Kepalanya, hahahaha.."

Hasna: " waaaaah siaall, tadi gue nyium goodbye ke kepalanya si bayi uuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrghhhh."

Jadi bisa disimpulkan saya mencium apa? hueks.

Rendi's Angels

Haha, mungkin lo berpikir, "Apa banget deh tuh judul?!" Soalnya gue juga mikir gitu. Jadi kan di kelompok tutorial gue anak cowoknya ada 5 dan anak ceweknya juga 5, tapi Rendi seringnya kalo main sama kita anak-anak cewek. Dulu gue nyebutnya Rendi and the Girls, tapi atas saran siapaa gitu gue lupa, akhirnya jadi Rendi's Angels (kayak Charlie's Angels) hahaha setelah dipikir-pikir ternyata kocak juga :P

Ternyata cuma ini foto Rendi's Angels hahaha

A Little Ramble on Sleep and Memory

So, hello there. First of all I might want to tell you that I'm currently on holiday, and a quite long one (3 weeks, wow!) so I'm at my home sweet home now :)

Actually, before this holiday, I've tried to make a list of what I'm going to do on this holiday, although it was just inside my head (which is ineffective, just write it away!), but honestly I can't get all the things done up until now. Just as I remember, one of it was to do a little research on sleep and its effect on memory consolidation. And why am I doing this? Well, actually it all goes back to the fact that I wasn't doing very well at school now, or at least not as well as hoped it would be, and the other fact that I often don't get enough sleep. And then I remembered that I had read about this thing somewhere, sometimes ago, that sleep deprivation does affect your memory, in a way that it would make it worse or make you harder to remember things, and that sleeping does play a significant role in consolidating our memory. Since studying medicine means that I have to remember so many things in so little time, a good memory is almost a must. The sad thing is I don't. Somehow I'm feeling that my brain's capability in remembering things is getting worse and worse every other day, and I'm starting to get suspicious on my lack  of sleep being the main cause of what's happening to me.

As I am not very experienced in conducting any kind of research, I kinda don't know what exactly to do. My plan was to create something, maybe a list of things or some kind of new knowledge, for me to memorize during two different condition; the first one is that I get to sleep after memorizing the material, and the second one is that I don't get to sleep DIRECTLY after I memorize the material. So you may say that this experiment is conducted not in the night but rather in the daylight, perhaps in the morning or afternoon. And after that, probably a couple of hours or the next day after I memorize the material, I compare the result, and then I should know whether sleep does affect memory. I know, in may ways, this experiment is very inaccurate, like, I don't have a control variable, the time is too short for this experiment to actually give any expected result (meh, what result am I expecting anyway?)

All in all, I started my experiment by doing some literature research on Google about this topic. And then I stumbled upon some paper that are related to this, but I only read one of it, out of laziness, and you can check it out yourself here (anyway, it's a PDF document). Some part of the paper was too complicated for me to understand, so the point I actually get from reading it is that REM sleep is the type of sleep that have the most significant role in consolidating memory, but the type of memory being consolidated remains unclear. May have missed some important points though, you may need to actually read the paper to get the whole point.

After I read the paper I became very sceptical about continuing on this experiment. So yeah you can guess that I didn't actually do it. Honestly, I do love to sleep. Sleep is good. But sometimes we can get too deeply involved in the things that we are doing, and then we check the time and it turned out to be very very late, and in the morning we already have things to do, and so it causes the lack of sleep. Or rather, a good night sleep. It is indeed another fun fact that a night sleep is so important that a daytime sleep or nap cannot ever replace it, or so I heard. And the irony is, I am doing it this very minute. So I think I better finish off this ramble and go to sleep. For real.

PS. I still have books I planned to finish on reading this holiday, but somehow the ambience in my home makes me feel so lazy to grab and read a book. So let's see, it's only about 10 days left of holiday, will I ever make it till the last chapter?